Dear Murphy,

I’m not quite sure what it is exactly that I’ve done to you. But apparently you felt it necessary to smack me upside my head with your law but it wasn’t very appreciated. I mean come on! All I wanted to do was go have dinner with all these wonderful women from all the country to meet in DC. It’s only a little over two hours away. It should be doable right? WRONG! You decided it was time to smack me with the “be a responsible parent” stick. Point out that unless you know someone that had invented teleportation devices it’s not physically possible to get from home with the kids after school at 4:15 to your parents to drop off the kids and then the 35-40 minute drive to the restaurant by 6:30. Yes I realize I tried to rationalize every way I could around it. That yes…yes I could make it there in time.

Thank you. Thank you, you evil bastard for reminding me what it felt like to have to miss the popular kids party in High School all over again. Thank you for whispering in my children’s ears that it would cheer Mommy up to go to the State Fair instead and watch the pig races and eat a whole bunch of fried shit on a stick instead of the yummy tapas on the menu at the restaurant. That it would be a much more welcome thing to drink watered down soda then having a few beers with all those wonderful ladies. Guess what Murphy…Fuck you AND the horse you rode in on.

Yours not so truly,
Jessi

Dear Mercury,

I know we haven’t exactly had the best of relationships but could you PLEASE hurry your ass up and come out of retrograde. I know you don’t like being rushed and all and that you want to get Gemini it’s time with that position, but dammit you are fucking things up right now. Communication is important and it being all wonky when you are like this is really not so much fun. I mean come on…when you went retrograde in Aquarius you two only hung out for a month like that, hell not even an entire month. What did Gemini do to get this much time? But May 27th until November 1st? Is Gemini paying you under the table or something? Giving you that extra little something you weren’t getting when you were direct? What do I have to do? Bake some cookies? Make some candles? A funky ass ritual with neon colors or something? PLEASE I’m begging you to come back and stop the insanity.

Your friend always (please don’t fuck anything up for me because I vented)
Jessi