First off I have a new look? You like? I do. Sarah at Redefining Perfect made it for me!!

Well I’ve made it through the last month with nothing but Betty White posts. Not that there is anything wrong with Betty White but I’m thinking it’s time for a little more content then that. I thought I had pulled myself completely out of the pit of despair a few weeks back but I really hadn’t. The last few months I’ve sort of been on automation really. I tried to block out as much of the real world as I could and hid in a fictional one (RP group). One where I could be anything I wanted and things would be okay in the end but even there I find the same real life constraints and issues. Out of that group though came friends that I couldn’t see my life without now.

So I’m trying to move forward and mend some fences and keep going. I’ve got a few things I’m working on and hopefully I’ll be able to share them soon. First I want to see if they take off at all. I can say that The Modern Pagan is coming back we are reworking some things with the staff but we are coming back. And I’m happy about that. So if you know any pagan writers please send them our way

I have so much more running around in my head right now that just won’t come out at the moment. So I’m just going to pause for now and work on some of the other things I need to get done today.

I know some would look at that title and give a big old “duh”, but some don’t realize that things can change on a dime. Clouds shift and change moment to moment. People can do the same thing. One minute everything can seem peaceful and quiet and then next everything has been turned upside down. Even knowing this sometimes it still catches me off guard. Some changes are harder then others. Some we don’t want to accept even though we have to. I’ve had a few of those kind of changes recently and even if I don’t like them…I know there is nothing I can do to physically change it. Broken promises and plans…again nothing can be done to change it. But there is always the slight sting left behind from it. Sometimes the worst part of it is you don’t know why. You may ask about it…but you are met with silence as your answer. I’ve learned over the course of my life that sometimes silence is the answer. Maybe they are too ashamed to give you an answer or maybe they just don’t have one. Perhaps they don’t even know the answer themselves.

All that being said I know everything happens for a reason. Everyone we cross paths with in life has a purpose or reason for being in our life. Whether it’s someone you bump into on the street, someone you meet online or one of your closest friends. They all have a purpose. Sometimes it hurts to see those people leave and others you are just happy to see them go. Then there are even other times that you are happy when they come back.

I’m not sure where I was going with other then I’m rambling. I’ve had a few tarot readings lately that have been REALLY accurate and have also pointed a few things out to me. Even knowing something is coming doesn’t make the wait for it to happen any easier. If it wasn’t for other things outside of the cards pointing to it I probably would have brushed it off. Vague enough for you?

Anyway onto happier things. Little Prince went for an ADHD evaluation and it’s looking like that’s what it is. The meds seem to be helping him but he seems to be a little more sensitive lately. I have a phone appointment with his doctor on Friday and I’m planning on talking to him about it. Overall though I’m happy to see the change in him. Watching him focus more and not get as frustrated with some things is a definite plus.

Mister Man is doing well this summer too. He’s reading The Hobbit now and really liking it. He acts like he hates it when I make him read but then he’ll get lost in the story and I’ll have to interrupt for dinner or something like that.

Even better news is Big Daddy and I are going to get a vacation. An actual vacation with no kids. Thanks to some wonderful friends of ours it’s all taken care of too. It never ceases to amaze me how some people look out for their friends. It was pointed out that Big Daddy and I never really got a honeymoon. Well we went to the beach for a week about 6 months after we were married but that was with family. (And by family I mean 37 other family members on his father’s side…kids and all) We had a blast but it wasn’t a honeymoon. Anyway with the stress of the last year and a half we hadn’t thought about it but they did…and thanks to them we are going to Dragon Con Yes in 45 days hubby and I are going to geek out for an entire weekend with some great friends and thanks to some great friends.

Little windows. That’s all a blog really is. Someone from the outside peaking in through the glass to see if anything interesting is going on. The kids said something funny. Or happy news like a birth or a marriage. It’s kind of like if you are walking down the street and catch a glimpse of something out of the corner of your eye as you pass a window.

Should I go look?

Sometimes you keep going and others you stop and go over to see what’s going on. Sometimes the window is clean and clear and you know exactly what is happening. Everything is right there transparent for you to see. Some may let the glass get a little bit dirty so that not every fine detail can be seen. While others may opt for curtains or blinds to keep even more information from filtering out.

Maybe they open the window and let you have a slightly clearer picture or perhaps they may invite you in and show you more then one tiny portal into their world can show you.

Do I go in?

Once you enter you may find that the inside may not be as shiny and clean or even as dirty and obscured as you thought. There could be troubles you are unaware of, that they don’t speak of. Out of fear…out of pain…out of habit…

Once you enter the portal you start to strip away layers. Layers you may not be ready to face or accept. Can you handle the difference? Do you want to handle the difference? Are you ready for the raw emotions that come from peeling those layers away? I’m sure some say they are…even though in reality they aren’t.

It’s easy to portray that everything is perfect to the outside world. Little spit and polish as they say and you can shine up that window while you move everything you don’t want seen out of view of it. You never really know until they let you in completely.

So yeah haven’t posted in over a week. Shocked? No me either. I feel like my head is spinning lately. I seem to be living so much up in my head right now (Yeah me and air never had this close of a relationship before). All these idea and thoughts rolling around in my head that I just can’t seem to get out on paper…or in any other form for that matter. I know…I need to ground. I don’t know what’s wrong with me I’m having a REALLY hard time doing that lately. Beltane is usually the time of the year when everything starts to fall into place for me. Ideas start to settle and bloom. I start to feel more energized and refreshed. This year…I don’t know what it is but I feel like I have an almost constant energy drain on me. I just can’t seem to catch up with it. Every time I seem to get close to pinpointing it…it seems to shift and change.

I’m pretty sure my pendulum and I have had a falling out. I did a reading with it recently and it gave me a very affirmative yes to the question…it was wrong. My stomach has been in knots ever since. I can’t seem to shake it either. I did a tarot reading that night as well and as far as I know that has gone wel…but I still can’t shake the other one. I know there are SO many factors involved. Maybe that was the answer at the time…something changed their minds. The list goes on and on. But in this case…I can’t get rid of that nagging feeling. I also can’t bring myself to pick it up again. So for now it’s tucked away safely awaiting the time it’s speaking to me again.

Hmmm No one wanted any free gifts from my Pay it Forward post. I’ve decided that I’m just going to randomly make five things then and give them to people. I’ve already picked up some fabric to work on some of it.

So I’m just a bunch of random babbling today. I have another project that will be debuting soon. Just need a few more minor things and I’ll be able to announce it. I have to say that the ladies that I am working with on this are all an inspiration to me in one way or another.

With that said…time for me to make some dinner.

…keep a coherent train of thought or in my case a complete wipe and reinstall on my computer. I know what you’re thinking. That had to be SO much fun right? Right? Yeah…not so much. I bought the computer from Circuit City two years ago. Two of the disks they gave me were giving us a complete fit and didn’t want to work right. Not real good when the company is not out of business. We eventually got it reloaded and I started the long process of getting all my programs loaded back onto it.

I had a few things I was going to rant about originally. Had them all lined up and written in my head. Little things to do with Tweedle dumb and tweedle Dumber (The exes/their families) But honestly things like that in the last few weeks have seemed so…trivial. In the end it’s just not worth it.

The weight has been doing eh. But I fully admit the boys Easter baskets have called me a time or two and tempted me with mini krackle bars. And they went straight to my ass to. It’s been a slow decline sort of hanging out at the same weight for a week or two and then drop a little. I need to get up off my ass and start doing yoga or something.

I’ve had a few projects in the background and one I was going to push to debut this week…but a shiny happy oracle card pull told me to sit on my ass and wait. It’s not time yet. Soon though. A few more cosmetic things and a few more things with the wonderful people I am working with and it will be amazing.

School….HOLY CRAP I’m a student again. I’m doing a certification program and hopefully once it’s done I can work from home around the boys schedule. I’ll let you guys know how it goes.

I swiped the banner from Sadie (with her permission of course) Honestly I’m one of the ones that looks back on 2008 and wished it would be over quickly. I pray to the Goddess that 2009 is a better year. So many things I’ve kept out of the blog just because I felt it sounded like whining or too much bitching. Yeah it’s my blog…but you guys don’t want to hear all of that. Needless to say my health hasn’t exactly been the best this year. So I’m hoping and praying that 2009 is better for that. Part of that is on Jan 7th I’m having surgery on my knee. I’ve been on crutches or using a very large brace since the end of July. Yeah…not fun. Anyway on to the goals!!

Big Dreams
1. To be recovered from my knee and back to running around with the kids
2. Belly Dance again
3. Lose 70lbs and get back down to 160lbs
4. Be able to put all my “fat clothes” away in the basement and pull those skinny clothes back out.
5. Be healthier in general.
6. Meditate every day/Be a better witch
7. Finish loading the pagan store and get it ready to open to the public.
8. Get back to writing. Finish the book.

Baby Steps
1. It’s going to take lots of physical therapy at home to get my knee back in tip top shape (insurance won’t pay for physical therapy but that’s another rant)
2. Big Daddy and I are starting Weight Watchers on Monday. We aren’t going to the meetings or anything but my Mom lent us a bunch of her books and I have a bunch of the cookbooks. Core plan here we come. I want to lose the weight safely this time and keep it off. Instead of the divorce/stress diet that I lost weight with last time.
3. Meditate every day – I need to make myself do it more. I was doing good there for awhile but kinda slacked off and that probably has something to do with why I’ve felt so out there lately.
4. Better health – More consistent bedtime. I have a habit of staying up WAY too late and I know it’s effecting my sleep/weight/moods.
5. Get back to writing – take the time to work on writing instead of staring blankly at the computer.

Yes this is all going to take a lot of work on my part. But I think I can do it. One baby step at a time.

I hope everyone has a safe and Merry Christmas. Hope Santa brings you everything you want. The Rose family is off right now visiting with family but we will be back soon.

Meghan over at A Mom Two Boys proposed we have a bloggy Holiday card exchange today. So here is my card. I hope everyone has a safe and happy holiday season.

Happy Ramahanaquanzamas!!!

As you can see I’ve got a new look here at Draco’s Rose. Thanks to “The Woman” Sadie It’s beautiful. I love it. *snuggles her new layout* Things here are of course gearing up for Thanksgiving. We leave for my parents tomorrow and head up to Big Daddy’s Aunt’s house on Thursday for dinner. Back to my parents house for the night and then Black Friday shopping with my Mom and I. Yes it’s insane and we grumble and complain about it. But we get so much done for a lot less then what we would have spent.

I’ve been trying hard to keep things upbeat here since I saw that when I got down and bitched about something the crickets came out and the silence was deafening. There are so many thoughts swirling through my head right now and I haven’t been able to pin them down to form coherent thoughts or at the very least complete posts. So this is going to be one of those Blog salad randomness posts.

**I’ve been in a major funk lately. There are always things that go on behind the scenes of blogs that you don’t put out there for the whole world to see and that’s the case here just like it is with anyone else. Some of those things are getting to me. Seriously getting to me. To the point that I’ve wondered if I took the blog down would anyone notice? Would anyone care? Not that it’s something I’m going to do just random thoughts I’ve had lately.

**Lori at A Cowboy’s wife posted this week about Cliques. And I see it…all the time I saw it in High school…in college and after that. Even in the pagan classes I took (yes there are classes like that) Much like back then I keep to myself and don’t say much. I read twitter all day long and rarely say anything because I don’t feel like what I have to say is as interesting as everyone else. There are people in the blogsphere that I used to look up to and now avoid which is sad. Hey I’m not one of the cool kids but some of the cool kids talk to me sometimes.

**Have you ever gotten to the point with something that you felt guilty about it even though you shouldn’t because it’s not something you can control. Yeah that’s me lately. All with the guilt and none of the control. (Too many years of Catholicism maybe?)

**Thanksgiving is fast approaching. Feel like this year has just flown by. The next two months are going to be a whirlwind. Is it 2009 yet?

**We found out Chickens don’t bounce this week. I won’t go into all the gory details. Just know it involved a Tyson’s truck transporting live chickens. An escapee chicken and the car behind me (Thankfully I missed it). It all culminated with a very fascinated six year old boy. And me swearing not to eat Chicken for a little while.

**I got a few thing in the mail today to start up my review blog with kinda excited about that. Even some stuff for a giveaway or two!!